growing pains

So it has been awhile since I've written but that does not mean that stuff isnt happening. Phew

We are trying to get adjusted to life on the west coast and in a lot of ways its beautiful and different and exciting but in more ways its colder ( the people, not the weather), less familiar and not yet home. I'm not saying that I hate it here- I'm just saying that the growing pains are kicking in and I am still trying to find my niche. My heart is still aching for Chicago which is crazy because that is something I never could imagine myself saying. Yet... I am saying it.

We found a precious little apartment in a quirky part of the city with boat loads of little old Japanese people everywhere. At first it was kinda weird but now its kinda cool. Thats all I really have to say about that.

The wedding planning is still chugging along with only a few bumps in the road along the way. There was a small (huge) cupcake mishap that resulted in us missing our first Pre Cana class but that's a story for next time. The save the dates are officially in the mail and the thought of everything being "real" brings about a lot of different emotions.  fear. regret.  Just kidding! There is so much excitement, nerves, and a whole lot of gratitude. This whole process has been (so far) way less stressful than everyone said it was going to be. Maybe we are just beasts at wedding planning? Only time will tell.

I'm counting the days for this semester to be over. This one is not at all my favorite. It has been filled with policy and legislation, and other lukewarm topics that just do not get my blood pumping. But hey, every semester can't be a home run now can it? Janruary will start the 4 semester marathon of clinicals and I cant express how much I am looking forward to getting back to the women and the babies. It has been a nice little break but that is where my heart is.

So I am still trying to find where I fit in here but Chicago wasn't a perfect fit right away either. So in the mean time I am taking each day at a time, enjoying these beautiful views and thanking God for this new adventure. I am not quite sure what his plan is but he hasn't failed me yet.


That's all for now

Love always...

new places

Learning a new city with new views and new bridges. 

New corners to memorize and new streets to explore. 

The buildings don't reach as high and the lake is now a bay.

It's street lights twinkle to a different tune and the windows glow with a new light. 

Snow is now fog 

and summer,winter and spring are all now fall. 

And fall is summer. 

The faces are strangers instead of friends

A phone company stands where gum used to.
and I found out where all of Chicago's hills went... San Francisco took them....
but the sun is bright and the air is fresh
the views are bolder and the skies are bigger
and for once I can see the stars. 

I have started to think that

all the nice people in the world live east of Salt Lake.- but yesterday I was proven wrong.

Let me back up.

Ok so this weekend I am spending some time in Salt Lake for a NPWH conference. Its a huge women's health conference and once I got to the Oakland airport yesterday I realized when seeing the long gypsy like skirts and beautiful scarves that filled gate 11 -my flight was going to be filled with midwives all heading to Utah for this same conference. Thrilled, I began to plot exactly how I was going to position myself to connect with one of these women and ultimately ask them to please please pretty please precept me and teach me everything they know. I know... I know.. that is a fairly large request but I was hopeful.

Well long story short I was sitting no where near any midwives and quickly regretted my decision not to book a Southwest flight. However, that flight was the beginning of an amazing and reviving few hours. I sat next to two women who had beautiful spirits and I really do believe us crossing paths was not an accident.  We talked about so much -which is weird for me- I am not a spill-your-guts-out-to-the-complete-stranger-type but there was something so welcoming about these women. The more I talked to them the more I realized how worked up I have been about so many different things going on in my life and the more I realized I was loosing focus on the truly important things. It was just refreshing to talk to someone who didn't know me or anything about me.   They had such a healing way about them and their genuine sense of compassion was something I haven't experienced in a stranger in a very long time. Their words held so much love and their wisdom was far too heavy for that small plane. Walking off that plane I realized though midwives were on my mind- God knew that I needed something else more entirely. After meeting and bumping into (literally) so many not nice people on the west coast- these Californian women gave me a little hope that maybe there is some of that Midwest mentality in the sunshine state as well.

Just to top things off- that evening was filled with so much laughter and joy. I met up with two good friends, one from college and one from the hospital in Chicago. We spent the night reminiscing and filling each other in on missed life events and just enjoying each others company in the beautiful scenery of Utah.

It was wonderful to take a break from all the craziness and stresses that have been clouding my mind and just bask in the sun.  Life is such a wonderful thing and it can be so easily tainted with bull shit. .  This trip has weirdly helped me regroup, refresh, and gave me a lot of new perspectives. ( and non of them are, ironically, women's health related) The conference somehow ended up being the perfect little retreat and I am now re-centered and ready to take on the world. 

and just in case you were wondering... I still do not have a preceptor.

not quite there yet

I have been hesitant to blog about the move and my thoughts thus far on this new city mostly because they always say first impressions are never right. But... I am tired of getting texts from everyone asking me to post so here we are!

To be honest these past 2 weeks have been nothing less than a whirlwind and while I would love to summarize everything and give some profound insight into the world of San Fransisco, right now I am struggling to fit my thoughts into nice little neat sentences. There is just too much going through my head right now and until I can take a minute to start digesting everything I can't really answer that question, " So how do you like San Fransisco? "

All I can say is that change is uncomfortable and new things take time to get used to so I am just trying to let the dust settle and trust in the process.

Until next time..

For now

Leaving a place where part of your heart lives is never easy- especially one with so many firsts. To me Chicago is like that one person who you never really liked at first and then one day you wake up and realize they are your best friend and you really can't put your finger on the moment the tides shifted. I completely and utterly fell in love with not only the beauty of the city but also the inspiring and truly authentic people I met here (there?). I'll be honest when I arrived in Lakeview that cold January morning making friends was something I was really not at all interested in. It seemed like too much effort and besides- I was already counting down the days until we could leave. But then I met this incredible group of people who had so much love in their hearts and taught me so much about friendship and my faith. They made the cold windy city home. 

I'm really not sure what it was about the city that captived me so much but the best word I can use to describe it is peaceful. Like a mother- calming my life in all the right ways. Maybe the timing was just right or maybe it was that charming lake or maybe it was the lack of humidity. Who knows? (It certainly was not the pizza) 

But something about it grabbed my attention and nourished my soul- teaching me so much about myself and life along the way. 

So wherever the road leads us I will always carry a little bit of Chicago in my heart - I really am not sure how not to. 

And as we drive off west my heart aches for everyone I am leaving behind but I know a part of me is different and better because of their kindness and for that I will never forget them. 

I love you all!

We should be packing

But we decided to go on a little bit of a road trip to Mackinac island instead. It's been a beautiful and very zen drive with a lot to reflect on. One of us ended a job, the other one will be shortly. We have moving logistics and wedding logistics and school logistics to all think through but we really haven't done a whole lot of any of that. It's actually been quite refreshing to just be and enjoy enjoy each other's  company. We can worry about all of that stuff when we get back from the island.... 

Bitter Sweet

So yesterday was my last day working at University of Chicago. It was a day that I have much anticipated for the past 6 months however as I clocked out yesterday at 1923 I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. Not because I am regretting my decision to leave but more so because of the thought of leaving the amazing mentors I have worked with for the past 3 years. I came into that job pretty much knowing nothing and because of their kindness, patience, and tough love they molded me and shaped me into the nurse I am. They took me under their wing and nurtured my love for the profession. They filled me with stories of all of their mistakes, critiqued me (again and again and again), and embraced me in their arms during the difficult moments when I needed it most. They gave me such a strong and solid foundation that I will build the rest of my career off of.   People always told me when referring to that hospital, " If you can make in there you can make it anywhere. " It was definitely not an easy job and it challenged me in more ways than I would have imagined but at the end of the day I am so grateful for the experience. Never in a millions years would I have dreamed of landing my dream job fresh out of nursing school. God is so good.

It has been a trying, rewarding, emotional, difficult but beautiful journey. Those ghetto halls and crazy patients pushed me to the end of my rope.  So many days were bookended with tears the minute that car door shut. But... there were also the days that reminded me why I got into this crazy profession in the first place.  I've lived there just as much as I survived there. It has given me as much as it has taken from me.  I would even go to say that it taught me more about my self than I've learned my whole life.

So as sad as I am to end this chapter of my life I am more than anything -so incredibly grateful that it happened.

AHHH

Car problems and rude people are my two least favorite things in the world and TODAY I have dealt with both. Ugh.  It would be so great if all cars were unbreakable and all people were unmean.

On the flip side I got my hair did per the request of every single person I work with. They all said I need a "California look" Though it is not the bleach blonde look they would have preferred it is fun and sun kissed.

so there is that!

the WHAT what

Well it has been awhile since I have last written and recently certain people have been excessively urging me to get back to the blog thing. Well.. I have a lot of life updates and so in the spirit of friendship here we go again...

So recently someone at work said to me, " Wow Amanda, It really seems that this is your time. Everything is coming together for you."  And quite frankly she is right. These past few months have been filled with so much joy and love.

I have fallen deeper in love with my profession. Helping women through their pregnancy, reminding them again and again of the strength they have, and then crying with them as I hand them that slimy, squished precious baby- goes without words. One of the most rewarding and humbling things I have been able to be a part of in my 25 years. Building on that I have started my Master's in Women's health and Midwifery. You know that feeling where everything just clicks? Its like that.

 I have also fallen even more in love with my amazing now Fiancé ( YES! we are now engaged!)
He proposed in the most perfect way in the same place we met- Quebec city. It was thoughtful and beautifully executed demonstrating the sweetheart that he is. We wandered around the city for the rest of the day in a blissful daze and ended the night eating at the restaurant that I have always said I fell in love with him at.  The next day we decided that the only place where it would make sense to get married was Quebec City in the first church we had mass together. The city itself seems like a random inconvenient location for so many- but to us it is magically beautiful and filled with so much history and so many sweet moments. SO the wedding planning as begun!

Speaking of new cities... We are also packing up and leaving Chicago and moving onward to San Fransisco.  Leaving is going to be harder than I thought. Chicago has welcomed us with open arms and feels a little like home to the both of us. On the other hand San Fransisco will be a good (NO SNOW) change.  Anyone who knows us knows that I have been slightly hesitant about this city over the past few years but now that it is creeping up on us I am getting used to the idea and I am ready to move on to our next adventure. If I have learned anything in Chicago it is that change is good, struggle makes us stronger, and new places help us grow.  So that paired with watching how Eric's eyes dance at the idea of starting the next phase of his career- I am ready and very much excited for this new chapter.


So there is a lot going on! All good and exciting things.  One thing I have learned is that its ok to go outside the template. I have talked to a lot of friends recently who mean well but are distraught at the fact that we will have moved to 2 cities in 3 years and having a wedding in a 3rd which happens to also be in another country. Some people think we should be buying a house and staying put others think that I should be pushing harder to stay in Chicago while others believe that having a wedding out of your hometown is absurd. The point is everyone has their own way of doing things and the typical format didn't really work for us.  We like to mix it up a bit so we can both chase our dreams together and I really would not rather have it any other way.

Thats all for now!!

well this is pretty awesome

mashup

Winter

Here we are in the dead of winter. It takes a toll on everyone and as March is approaching and the temperature is still below freezing people begin to get discouraged.  Yes, winter sucks. And not feeling your toes sucks. Along with numb fingers, drippy noses, snow covered cars, black ice, dark mornings, cabin fever, thick coats, sore throats, dry hands, and so much wind.

 But there are also some not so bad things about winter that I think we all overlook or forget about. Huge  scarves, warm coffee in the morning, how bright the entire world is after a snow fall, fireplaces, red wine, cozy Sundays, flannel pajamas,  homemade soup, candles, hoodies, and winter walks through a city turned to ice.

Im not sure why but these past few days I have been really basking in the beauty of this crazy thing called winter.


Looking at things differently

why everyone should get a dog and a baby at the same time

Deep Breath

Need a Minute?

New day

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.” 

Phew it's been quite a day! One of those days where you look forward to bed not only because your exhausted but also because you need the day to end.

Here is to a wonderful Thursday!

Xoxo

Such is life

You know what sucks? Tough decisions. Like the real thorn in your side type. The ones that make you lose sleep and lose you mind. 

Sometimes I wish I could take a peek into the future for just 5 mins. Just enough to see if everything works out. Just enough to help me take a deep breath. And. Relax... 

Worn out.

Have you ever needed to hear someone say something so bad that it actually aches? One sentence that could just make everything better. Of course you could just tell someone what you need to hear but that wouldn't really be the point would it? If I have to place them in someone's mouth then isn't all meaning lost anyways? Yes. So in the mean time you just silently wait and pray that someone realizes what you are so desperately waiting to hear. 

Story time

Warning: this is cutesy post.

5 years ago my stomach was in knots. This guy I met in Canada was coming to West Chester to go to an Owl city concert. I was kinda obsessed with Owl city at that time in my life but quite frankly it could have been some dried up 90's pop star and I still would have been over the moon. You see- I had a major thing for this guy and this would be the first time we would be hanging out since we got back from Canada. I was so nervous that It was going to be an awkward sort of disaster that I almost canceled but .....my stubborn roommate made that impossible.  Damn her. So after 2 nights of not sleeping and 3 mini (huge) panic attacks he arrived late Friday night ready to toy with my emotions. 

Long story short- It ended up being a wonderful and surprisingly normal night. Clearly. 

I played through that entire weekend in my head for days. Memorizing every detail and analyzing every moment. Keep in mind everyone and their brother knew that I was head over heels for him (including him) but he gave no hint to as how he felt about me. Extremely frustrating for an over emotional, high anxiety girl like myself. 

Spoiler alert: it worked out.

Seeing that weekend pop up on my Timehop today made me snicker to myself. Because of how we naturally we grew together I didn't realize how much we were both changing. It's amusing to think that the same guy who used to make me so nervous and on edge can now fill me with complete ease and overwhelming comfort. 

Life is funny and I now realize that we both found each other exactly when we were supposed to. Not a minute sooner. 

He for sure mellowed out my crazy and I like to think that I added a little spice in his life;-) 

Thanks for letting me reminisce Timehop:-)

Xoxo

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

—

C.S Lewis

I know its super cliche...

But I am pretty much obsessed with this song and the music video....

Cant get enough.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lp-EO5I60KA

Lama

A few years back a friend recommended a book written by the Dalai Lama. The past couple days I have been rereading parts of it and finding that clarity again.

Back Again...

Well apparently everyone in my life has recently started a blog which has in some way shape or form inspired me to get back into this.

After I figured out what the heck my password was to this thing ( took way too many attempts) I read through some of my past posts.  It is honestly hilarious. On a day to day basis life moves at a fairly moderate, some would say slow, speed. So if that is the case how do these months fly by so fast?

I spent a great amount of time tonight talking with two of my dearest friends. We reminisced about all those " crazy times" we had and all those "crazy folks" we used to know. As I sat there I couldn't help but realize... when did we get so old? How did we get here? When did conversations about Prom dresses and babysitting get replaced with Roth IRAs and health insurance.

 I mean I know that we all have to grow up but its crazy how quickly it all happens.