bed time fears

Every child has a few things that she is afraid of. For me it was BUNCO night, getting left in the car when mom went to pay for gas ( before you could pay at the pump) and being the last one awake. This last one stuck with me for years.

There were not many nights growing up where I had trouble falling asleep, but certain nights ( normally those followed by a ton of sugar) I would lay awake watching the shadows on my ceiling while writing stories in my head. All was fine and dandy until my parents decided to go to bed. When I heard my mom begin to lock the doors and clean up the kitchen, my heart would race. When I heard my dad click off the tv and walk up the steps my throat would tighten. And then when my mom would peek her head in my room to check on me- the tears would begin to roll out. Mom would tell me that I had nothing to be afraid of and that her and dad were right down the hall. She would sit with me for a little then she would go to bed and promise to check on me in 10 minutes. ( looking back now I realize how obnoxious that was)

Then I would lay there with my stomach in knots almost in a panic. To this day I am not sure why I was so afraid of being the last one awake. I was a very logical child so the whole monster and ghost thing did not cause me to bat an eye. Nor did my fear have anything to do with robbers or kidnappers like my sisters worried about.

Looking back though, I think it was one of my first glimpses at loneliness. Laying awake in a dark house while everyone you love is off frolicking in their dreams and I was left in an empty room wide awake. Alone.

So reading this blog I cant help but laugh at this very random fact about myself that I haven't thought about in years. But my childhood fear can be amplified into the minds of so many grown up people. No one likes being alone. Whether its feeling alone in life or feeling alone in a dark bedroom when your parents fall asleep first. Either way it sucks.