The past 19 years of friends

I have had quite the variety of friends in my life. When i was 10 i had 4 best ''friends" Jamie S, Jamie E, Anne, and Rachel. I put friends in quotes because looking back they were not really friends. I never felt like i belonged in that group. Some of the things they would talk about and be into just was not me. However this was my first glace at friendship and i didnt know any better. I didnt know what a true friend was ... but i guess at that age no one did. When we were 10 a true friend was someone who played with you on the playground or picked u as a partner in class. Friends were just on the surface. We told our parents everything. They were our best friends.

As i got older, i slowly moved away from that group... and took Jamie s. with me. The two of us kinda flew by ourselves for awhile.... picking up new people here and there for short periods of time. Jamie and i were quiet in school but together we were two very chatty girls. We started to tell each other secrets... i mean whatever secrets two 12 year olds would have. Together we dealt with her mom dying and the trying months that came after. That was the first time in my life i knew what it was like to be there for someone. I mean like really be there for them.... like "cry on your shoulder " kind of be there. It felt good.

A few years later in 9 grade... i was 14... and Jamie and i found a group of girls who seemed like fun. They were crazy and loud and it was something that we were looking for. We fit right in and both of us really came out of our shells. there was no judgment with these girls and i loved it and felt totally comfortable. I was allowed to be myself and let loose and i enjoyed every minute hanging out with them. There was about 10 of us and whenever we were together it was a party. As you could prob guess though, with a group this big you really never had any deep talks or heart to hearts. It was all fun and games. however... with any huge group of tween girls... comes DRAMA. and boy did we have a lot. Yelling... tears.... the whole 9 yards. as time went on... the trash talking was silenced untill there were no words exchanged at all. This is when i realized that i didnt want to be apart of this group any more. I didnt like that person i was when i was with them. Before when i saw myself with them i saw a happy go lucky girl having a good time... now i saw myself as ...we to be frank.... a bitch. Sooo i peaced out of that group.

Sooo to sum things up... besides Jamie... i really didnt know what a true friend was at this point in my life. Jamie was all i knew ... all the experiences i had with other people just didnt end well. Soo fast forward to 2009 and that explains why i still am in awe of my friends today. They are amazing. Absolutely amazing. They know me and I have a handful of people i can tell everything to. For me that is a huge deal. I dont open up. Its just not my nature... i keep things in untill i cant handle them and then i break down. My friends know when something isnt right with me BEFORE i do sometimes. Like i said earlier... i learned at an early age what it felt like to be there for someone.... but untill recently i never knew what it felt like to be on the other side of that.
My friends can see through the mask i put on when i act like everything is all great. I am so blessed and thankful for all of my friends.... my true friends.... the ones that know me. The ones that know all my quirky things about me. my friends are such a huge part of my life..... they are my lifeline. They taught me that I dont always have to be the one looking out for everyone.... Im allowed to be looked out for too. <3

forgiven!

SO the other night i finally took the time out to go to confession. It has been hanging over my head for awhile now.. i have been wanting to go before Christmas. Well anyways before confession i spent the entire day shopping and totally getting in the Christmas spirit with two good friends. When we finally made to to the church i sat down and realized how blessed i was to have so many friends who i can share my faith with. Its truly amazing.
If anyone has ever seen me minutes before i go into the confessional then you know i am a nervous wreck. This time in particular because i had a few things that i have been carrying around for awhile now. I hate the waiting game. I hate standing there feeling all my sins flood my mind and trying my hardest not to forget any of them. As horrible as it is... it is humbling. How often do you sit there and think of everything you did wrong in the past 2 months? like i said... humbling.
So finally i go in and do my thang ( im not gonna paint a picture for you) and i come out. Not even exaggerating.... I felt like i was in a Claratin commercial. Everything was so much clearer and brighter! Literally! It was an incredible feeling! I have not had a confession this good in a long time and boy did it feel good! As annoying as going to confession is.. it is such a miracle and im pretty much obsessed with it. That feeling you get after is such a high! I can sit here and try to put it into words... but that wouldnt even come close to describing it. It knocks down the wall between us and Jesus. The fact that he will forgive us for anything is an amazing and beautiful thing. God is good so good!!

buckle up

Control has always been a big thing in my life. Im either trying to get it or trying to figure out what to do with it. When i lose control i literally feel like im slipping on ice. You know... that split second before you hit the ground when your stomach does a complete flip flop. Thats the feeling i get when i lose control. Now i dont want you to think that im some hardcore control freak.. because im not. I dont need 100% control... just a little. Just enough to let me know that i have some pull in whatever situation im going through. That is why i love school so much. I can control the grades i get. If i study... i get good grades... if i dont study... i dont get good grades. Its simple and to me it makes sense. To me control is like having something to hold on to when that ice comes... something to keep me standing and without any bruises. I dont like to let go of that ... it makes me uneasy unstable. a loss of security. I was the kid at the pool who always held on to the wall. It made me feel safe. as long as it was there i was ok. as long as i have control ill be ok.

However that is not always true. Having control on life is kinda an oxymoron. We didnt create life... why in the world would we have control of it? We are just God's instruments... and well.. instruments have 0% control. Does that scare me? of course. It goes against my natural instinct. My instinct to grasp a situation and twist it around so the outcome is of my benefit. Its hard... its really hard knowing that i have to let go of everything. I need to let life play out. I need to let God play it out. That gives me a different kind of feeling. I still get the feeling im slipping on ice... but this time right before i fall someone catches me. God.
I realize that with life we dont have control.. we are in the backseat... and no one likes a back seat driver. All we can do is sit back ... love with all our hearts... and drive off into the sunset <3

the old

I dont know what it is about old people that intrigues me so much. Something about them captivates me draws me in. Yes they smell a little odd and they are slow... but they are really cool! Each of them has a story. They lived a life almost and they have so much to tell because of it. If you trace the lines in their skin you can learn so much. Or even just a glance into their eyes... they have so much history behind them. They have lived through so much. I have no idea where this random rant came from... but it came... sooo yeah. haha

done... like a turkey

Soooo hello! this is so long over due but i finally got a chance to breathe for the first time in weeks. I almost forgot what oxygen feels like. Well sooo i am officially done my fall semester and boy could i not be more relieved. Its kinda ridiculous how big of a part school plays in our lives. Like right now i feel as light as a feather while 24 hours ago i was pretty much injecting caffeine into my veins all while realizing all the stuff i didnt remember from back in September. But i was thinking the cool part is for the first time in my life it isnt all about the grades. All through high school and even last year, i was so concerned with getting the A's. As far as school came that was all that mattered to me... the A's. Dont get me wrong, i still strive for perfection but in a different way. Im actually learning stuff that i will need and that i want to know. I dont want to memorize a bunch of body parts and diseases.... i want to learn them. I want to know them. Its just kinda cool to think about how my viewpoint changed.
Anywaysss break is on! im soo excited just to kick back but i have a feeling it is going to be a busy break.... which will be fun :-)


anywaysss i have so much more to say soooo ill write a again soon.... xoxo

blah

I have so much to blog about but so little time. sooo i will find time in the near future but untill then i love you all and you are all in my heart... always! sooo have an amazing day tomorrow... because u all deserve it.. and bad days are such a waste. Even though everyone is so insane this week with life and school and everything... hang in there and the end is near! love yousssss!

Under all the dirt...

There are signs everywhere. everyday God sends us little reminders. Sometimes we can see them in nature and sometimes we see them in school but for me i almost always see them in other people.

On Thursday when i was at the day room, a guy about my age walks in. He had long greesy blond hair, about 3 or 4 layers of shirts on, ripped, dirty jeans, and old muddy boots. His face was kinda scruffy and an unkempt kinda way and he was grimy in the cleanest way possible .. if that makes any sense. I talked to him a little and he was telling me about how the local Giant has two different garbage cans. one for the trash and one for the fruits and vegetables. He says as long as they keep throwing away perfectly good fruit and veggies he will never go hungry. That broke my heart. Here is a kid about our age who has a daily worry of literally surviving- not one of the more frequently occurring thoughts in my head from day to day. Under all the dirt and grim though it were his eyes that got to me. He didnt hold a sadness like a lot of the people there had. It was more of a thankfulness, a hope... or almost a joy. Everything he talked about was filled with excitement. He had such a faith that whatever God presented him with he would get through because of his faith. He couldnt get over how blessed he was to have found that free selection of fruits and veggies. Blessed to eat from a trashcan! Some of his stories are unbelievable! It just was really inspiring to me to see the other side of life. Someone my age with completely different worries, concerns, hopes and fears. It really makes u think.


Every day there are people that God places in front of us. Maybe for a second maybe you only exhange eye contact. Or maybe they stick around for a little longer. Each one of these people play a role in shaping and changing us as a person. God makes our paths cross for a reason... teaching us a little lesson about life everyday...