Thursday, February 20, 2014
I need an off switch
For my brain.
My pillow is magic. The minute my head hits the pillow I suddenly remember everything I have been pushing out of my head all day long. Perfect timing. So my peaceful bedtime turns into a twisted mess of anxiety and worries. Just so much unknown and they are all somehow all connected. So just when I think I have one thing figured out I look how it changes something else and then I change my mind about what I just decided and the whole process starts all over again.
Ah but this isn't supposed to be a blog about ranting and all that glass half empty stuff. So let me try this again...
These next 6 months hold a lot of possibilities and though they scare the crap out of me I am delighted with the idea of another adventure. I am also thrilled and very blessed to have Eric as my constant in this. Even though everything seems to be a huge question mark for the next few years I can comfortably say that as long as I have my partner in crime things will work themselves out.
Hows that for a glass half full?
My pillow is magic. The minute my head hits the pillow I suddenly remember everything I have been pushing out of my head all day long. Perfect timing. So my peaceful bedtime turns into a twisted mess of anxiety and worries. Just so much unknown and they are all somehow all connected. So just when I think I have one thing figured out I look how it changes something else and then I change my mind about what I just decided and the whole process starts all over again.
Ah but this isn't supposed to be a blog about ranting and all that glass half empty stuff. So let me try this again...
These next 6 months hold a lot of possibilities and though they scare the crap out of me I am delighted with the idea of another adventure. I am also thrilled and very blessed to have Eric as my constant in this. Even though everything seems to be a huge question mark for the next few years I can comfortably say that as long as I have my partner in crime things will work themselves out.
Hows that for a glass half full?
"We spend our whole lives worrying about the
future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if
figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always
changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes.
But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is
never the way we imagined it."
Meredith Grey
A surprise morning
Normally I would be totally bummed out about a rainy day like today. The pouring buckets kind of rain. But today started out with a phone call at 5am from work asking me if I would like to stay home because they had too many nurses. I don't even think I let her finish her sentence before answering with a firm and excited, " yes."
As I hung up the phone I heard a crash of thunder and pulled those blankets over me for a few more hours...
As I hung up the phone I heard a crash of thunder and pulled those blankets over me for a few more hours...
Sunday, February 16, 2014
to begin again
So I came across this old thing a few months back and then again recently. I love how much clarity I seemed to have back when I was a more frequent blogger. Maybe it was the blogging that was the root of that clarity or maybe it was just where I was in my life at that time. Regardless, I figured it doesn't hurt to give this another go and once again use the internet as an outlet and an insight into my life.
A lot has happened since my last post of Feb 2011. I graduated and finally am practicing as a nurse. The journey to get here was long, slightly twisted and a story for another time. The brief version: I am now starting my second year as a OB nurse in Chicago. yes, Chicago. Who the hell would have guessed that. Never saw this one coming. This past year has probably been one of the hardest but most beautiful year of my life. I do realize that sounds slightly odd but if I have learned anything this past year it is that sometimes you have to get to the end of your rope to realize how beautiful life really is. It always comes back to that Paschal mystery;-). I have learned exactly what I am capable of and those boundaries that I have been so loyal too have been adjusted. As I sit here and write this I cannot help but crack up. I grew up saying I wanted to be a librarian who lived next door to my parents. see, aren't you laughing too now?
Eric may have been the one who brought me here to this crazy city but it is this crazy job that is keeping me. All through college I was told by so many professors that I would never land a job in OB right out of school so when I did I was shocked, confused, scared to death but above all so incredibly thankful.
My job and I have a love hate relationship but the word thankful seems appropriate. I am thankful for that sacred moment where I hand a mother her infant for the first time and the tears that roll down the father's eyes. I am thankful for every terrified but trusting look I get from a woman right before she gives it one last push. I am thankful for all those tiny toes I get to wash and the tiny fingers I get to hold. I am thankful each time I get to show that clumsy, scared father how to hold his new baby and I am oh so thankful for that new baby smell.
At the end of the day it is still a job and like all jobs it comes with its own bag of stress and anxieties, there are the days where the tears that pour out the minute I get in my car to drive home, and the mornings where I cannot bring myself to get out of bed but underneath all of that is something truly beautiful for that-I am incredibly thankful.
A lot has happened since my last post of Feb 2011. I graduated and finally am practicing as a nurse. The journey to get here was long, slightly twisted and a story for another time. The brief version: I am now starting my second year as a OB nurse in Chicago. yes, Chicago. Who the hell would have guessed that. Never saw this one coming. This past year has probably been one of the hardest but most beautiful year of my life. I do realize that sounds slightly odd but if I have learned anything this past year it is that sometimes you have to get to the end of your rope to realize how beautiful life really is. It always comes back to that Paschal mystery;-). I have learned exactly what I am capable of and those boundaries that I have been so loyal too have been adjusted. As I sit here and write this I cannot help but crack up. I grew up saying I wanted to be a librarian who lived next door to my parents. see, aren't you laughing too now?
Eric may have been the one who brought me here to this crazy city but it is this crazy job that is keeping me. All through college I was told by so many professors that I would never land a job in OB right out of school so when I did I was shocked, confused, scared to death but above all so incredibly thankful.
My job and I have a love hate relationship but the word thankful seems appropriate. I am thankful for that sacred moment where I hand a mother her infant for the first time and the tears that roll down the father's eyes. I am thankful for every terrified but trusting look I get from a woman right before she gives it one last push. I am thankful for all those tiny toes I get to wash and the tiny fingers I get to hold. I am thankful each time I get to show that clumsy, scared father how to hold his new baby and I am oh so thankful for that new baby smell.
At the end of the day it is still a job and like all jobs it comes with its own bag of stress and anxieties, there are the days where the tears that pour out the minute I get in my car to drive home, and the mornings where I cannot bring myself to get out of bed but underneath all of that is something truly beautiful for that-I am incredibly thankful.
Monday, February 28, 2011
from a few months ago...
So I just spent the night in Downingtown which really only happens once in a Blue moon during the semester. As I sit here this morning beginning to stress about tomorrows exam... I look around and can't help but to be put at ease. Something about this house puts everything in perspective. Dont get me wrong I love living on my own but every once in awhile I love coming back to get a glimpse of my childhood.
The smell of coffee brewing as i walk down the steps in the morning
How the carpet feels under my bare feet
The endless supply of warm fluffy towels in the bathroom
My bedroom organized and cluttered with Amanda ages 3-20
The fresh basket of clean laundry sitting on my floor with that scent only mom can create
The random assortment of breads and baked goods scattered amongst the counter
The silent clicking of the fan in the family room
The familiar cold nose of my pup resting on my lap.
The quiet of the mid afternoon
The green cushy couches
What gets me the most is the scent though: That fresh, fall, clean laundry, Cinnamon, country-esk, familiar smell.
i love it.
The smell of coffee brewing as i walk down the steps in the morning
How the carpet feels under my bare feet
The endless supply of warm fluffy towels in the bathroom
My bedroom organized and cluttered with Amanda ages 3-20
The fresh basket of clean laundry sitting on my floor with that scent only mom can create
The random assortment of breads and baked goods scattered amongst the counter
The silent clicking of the fan in the family room
The familiar cold nose of my pup resting on my lap.
The quiet of the mid afternoon
The green cushy couches
What gets me the most is the scent though: That fresh, fall, clean laundry, Cinnamon, country-esk, familiar smell.
i love it.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
food for thought
Someone from school sent me this and thought I would share... its a Homily a Deacon gave about Marriage. Pretty good stuff.
We talk a lot in this church about vocations. Here in the parish, we have the novena to St. Jean Vianney every summer. We host a vocations fair every year, where priests and religious set up tables and talk about their different orders. And, of course, we pray regularly for an increase in vocations. We encourage parents to talk to their children about considering life as a priest or brother or a sister.
But this Sunday, I’m going to talk about a vocation that doesn’t get as much attention – but should. It’s one that has affected every man, woman and child in this church today. And it’s one that many here are living out every day – maybe without even realizing it.
It’s probably the most visible vocation in the world.
I’m speaking, of course, of marriage: the vocation of being a husband or a wife.
This Sunday marks World Marriage Day and so the church takes this opportunity to celebrate this sacrament — to honor men and women who have made this commitment to one another, to renew wedding vows, and to remind ourselves of what it means to be married.
Though this takes place just before Valentine’s Day, those who are married know: it’s not all chocolates and roses. Sometimes, it’s sour grapes and poison ivy. It’s socks on the floor and dishes in the sink and diapers that need changing and meetings with teachers and paying bills and fixing the car and snoring at three in the morning. It’s not always easy. It’s one reason why about half the marriages end in divorce.
And the culture does little to help. Down the block, at the Midway Theaters, if you were looking for a movie to see this weekend, you can find one romantic comedy about a single man and a woman who are friends and decide to have sex just for fun…with no strings attached. Or you could go see another movie about a guy who is single but discovers that wearing a wedding ring can lead to a string of successful one-night stands. The message is clear: who needs marriage?
Marriage is made to seem so 20th century these days.
But I think that’s because we’ve stopped understanding something fundamental. Being married isn’t just a lifestyle choice, or a living arrangement that has tax advantages and can result in two or three little deductions.
No. Marriage is something else. Something more. Something deeper. Something greater. Something that should inspire awe and wonder.
It is, in fact, a vocation.
But how many of us treat it that way?
How many of us – even the most faithful Catholics – look on this sacrament as something like Holy Orders?
How many of us realize that those of us who are married are a part of something sacred?
How many of us understand that this life we live as a married couple is – like the life of a priest or religious – a calling?
It is. Make no mistake: those who are married have been called to this way of life. God has spoken to us, just as he has to priests and religious, and He has summoned us to live our lives in a radical way – putting the interests of another person, or even the interests of an entire family, ahead of our own. He has asked us to do this for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for a lifetime. Share this mission with me, He says. Offer your life for this great adventure: to be a spouse, to begin a family, and continue My work of creation in the world. That is His calling to us.
It is a wonder, and a mystery – and a summons that can’t help but leave us feeling humbled. Married life is God extending Himself through time, continuing what began when He first called forth light and life. The creative work of the Creator continues, through every husband and wife, who then strive to bring light and life into the world.
It’s a holy covenant. It’s a sacrament.
And yes: it is a vocation.
And like any vocation, it requires an ongoing dialogue with God.
I asked my wife, “What do you think I should say about marriage in my homily Sunday?”
And without hesitating, she said, “It’s so important to pray. Separately and together. Because God knows the strengths and weaknesses of the other person better than you do. You need His help.”
Every marriage does. Every vocation does. No priest or brother or sister or deacon can last long without an active prayer life. And so it is with this vocation of marriage. It requires what the Church has so beautifully described as “the domestic church” – each couple, each family living and praying and sharing together, finding communion together.
It is something beautiful. And holy.
It is a vocation.
Imagine what might happen if we honestly, sincerely treated marriage that way.
Parishes would have regular marriage vocation fairs.
There would be a marriage novena to Mary and Joseph, asking their intercession to call forth more good husbands and wives.
There would be prayers offered regularly to Blessed Louis and Zelie Martin – the parents of St. Therese of Lisieux, and one of the few married couples to be beatified together, as a couple.
There would be an ongoing effort, in every family, in every parish, in every diocese, to pray for holy marriages, just as we now pray for holy priests.
If we began to have that kind of a mindset, more of us might then come to see this sacred calling as, indeed, a calling that is sacred. A marriage wouldn’t just be 50 or 60 years following a big overpriced party with a dress you only wore once.
We would begin to see it as a kind of daily prayer – an offering to God, and an offering to one other person. An offering made once. And forever.
Imagine what it might be mean if we all thought of marriage that way.
Imagine how that might change our church – and change our world.
We talk a lot in this church about vocations. Here in the parish, we have the novena to St. Jean Vianney every summer. We host a vocations fair every year, where priests and religious set up tables and talk about their different orders. And, of course, we pray regularly for an increase in vocations. We encourage parents to talk to their children about considering life as a priest or brother or a sister.
But this Sunday, I’m going to talk about a vocation that doesn’t get as much attention – but should. It’s one that has affected every man, woman and child in this church today. And it’s one that many here are living out every day – maybe without even realizing it.
It’s probably the most visible vocation in the world.
I’m speaking, of course, of marriage: the vocation of being a husband or a wife.
This Sunday marks World Marriage Day and so the church takes this opportunity to celebrate this sacrament — to honor men and women who have made this commitment to one another, to renew wedding vows, and to remind ourselves of what it means to be married.
Though this takes place just before Valentine’s Day, those who are married know: it’s not all chocolates and roses. Sometimes, it’s sour grapes and poison ivy. It’s socks on the floor and dishes in the sink and diapers that need changing and meetings with teachers and paying bills and fixing the car and snoring at three in the morning. It’s not always easy. It’s one reason why about half the marriages end in divorce.
And the culture does little to help. Down the block, at the Midway Theaters, if you were looking for a movie to see this weekend, you can find one romantic comedy about a single man and a woman who are friends and decide to have sex just for fun…with no strings attached. Or you could go see another movie about a guy who is single but discovers that wearing a wedding ring can lead to a string of successful one-night stands. The message is clear: who needs marriage?
Marriage is made to seem so 20th century these days.
But I think that’s because we’ve stopped understanding something fundamental. Being married isn’t just a lifestyle choice, or a living arrangement that has tax advantages and can result in two or three little deductions.
No. Marriage is something else. Something more. Something deeper. Something greater. Something that should inspire awe and wonder.
It is, in fact, a vocation.
But how many of us treat it that way?
How many of us – even the most faithful Catholics – look on this sacrament as something like Holy Orders?
How many of us realize that those of us who are married are a part of something sacred?
How many of us understand that this life we live as a married couple is – like the life of a priest or religious – a calling?
It is. Make no mistake: those who are married have been called to this way of life. God has spoken to us, just as he has to priests and religious, and He has summoned us to live our lives in a radical way – putting the interests of another person, or even the interests of an entire family, ahead of our own. He has asked us to do this for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for a lifetime. Share this mission with me, He says. Offer your life for this great adventure: to be a spouse, to begin a family, and continue My work of creation in the world. That is His calling to us.
It is a wonder, and a mystery – and a summons that can’t help but leave us feeling humbled. Married life is God extending Himself through time, continuing what began when He first called forth light and life. The creative work of the Creator continues, through every husband and wife, who then strive to bring light and life into the world.
It’s a holy covenant. It’s a sacrament.
And yes: it is a vocation.
And like any vocation, it requires an ongoing dialogue with God.
I asked my wife, “What do you think I should say about marriage in my homily Sunday?”
And without hesitating, she said, “It’s so important to pray. Separately and together. Because God knows the strengths and weaknesses of the other person better than you do. You need His help.”
Every marriage does. Every vocation does. No priest or brother or sister or deacon can last long without an active prayer life. And so it is with this vocation of marriage. It requires what the Church has so beautifully described as “the domestic church” – each couple, each family living and praying and sharing together, finding communion together.
It is something beautiful. And holy.
It is a vocation.
Imagine what might happen if we honestly, sincerely treated marriage that way.
Parishes would have regular marriage vocation fairs.
There would be a marriage novena to Mary and Joseph, asking their intercession to call forth more good husbands and wives.
There would be prayers offered regularly to Blessed Louis and Zelie Martin – the parents of St. Therese of Lisieux, and one of the few married couples to be beatified together, as a couple.
There would be an ongoing effort, in every family, in every parish, in every diocese, to pray for holy marriages, just as we now pray for holy priests.
If we began to have that kind of a mindset, more of us might then come to see this sacred calling as, indeed, a calling that is sacred. A marriage wouldn’t just be 50 or 60 years following a big overpriced party with a dress you only wore once.
We would begin to see it as a kind of daily prayer – an offering to God, and an offering to one other person. An offering made once. And forever.
Imagine what it might be mean if we all thought of marriage that way.
Imagine how that might change our church – and change our world.
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