Beautiful 

thankful.

This week has been a whirlwind at work and all in all way more stressful than it should have been.

However, through it all there were those 'moments' that reminded me why I got into this in the first place. And even though I feel like I got run over by a truck- I cant help but to be thankful for this job and that these people let me into their lives everyday.

 They allow me to be a part of their crazy, dramatic, babydaddy life. They let me go through each fear, anxiety, and heart break right along with them as well as those moments of bliss, excitement and pure joy.

Its actually an emotional roller coaster with this crew.... and I am slowing realizing that I don't think I would have it any other way.

mixed emotions

Growing up is hard. Its like we are stuck in this weird in between space right now.

I look ahead and I get giddy with excitement and hope for the future. At the same time though I look behind me and see myself loosing grasp of the younger version of myself and that stings.  I feel torn between joy and sadness.  Between newness and comfort.  Between adventure and home.  Between west and east. It is just a weird spot to be in and even as I write this I really do not know how I feel about everything. My own thoughts contradict each other leaving my mind and heart to battle it out.

 I know change is good and new starts are good and sometimes they feel exactly that- good. But then other times the good is tainted with memories and smells and words from a younger life... and leaving that behind is what is hard.

 But that's what people say life is. I just wish I was better at dealing with it and trusting in the process and in His plan.  

How is your day going?

One of the things that bug me about people and about life is that stupid question, " How is your day going?"

For the most part when people ask that question they are trying to be nice or make conversation or they feel that it is what they are "supposed to ask".  This might be true. I know I have asked that question as much as the next person.

But the question isn't what bugs me. What bugs me is that there is this expectation that no matter how your day is going you are going to answer with a smile and state that it is going great. No one wants to hear anything but that. They don't have time for anything but that.  No one wants to hear that today sucks and you just wish you were home, and you are having a mini panic attack about 4 different things and really the only thing you want in the whole world right now is a hug. No one wants to hear that. And even if you were to spill that more dark side of your day no one ever knows how to react. It just leaves that other person feeling awkward and you feeling no better than before except now you are annoyed with yourself for breaking the social norm and telling the truth.  So we don't do that.

We go throughout our day politely making small talk and when somebody asks how your day is going you look them in the eyes, smile and respond, " Great."

Sometimes its just easier that way....

.... and other sounds from the night.

It is 3am and I am at work trying everything in me to stay awake. You see, I am not a night shift person but there is something about being awake when everyone else you know is asleep that really intrigues me . The best way I can describe these nights is with the word quiet. Quiet compared to how loud and chaotic the same hallways are during the day. Quiet because there are no visitors, no overhead announcements, no managers, and no attendings. Even the night nurses speak at volumes so soft that they would be lost in the swirl of voices, beeps, and cries in the daylight. It is nights like these where I realize how quiet my life is not. Nights like these force me to sit in stillness and absorb the silence- in fact they even pay me to do it. When I am home there is really never quiet. There is always something. I always have to be doing something. Even running fills my ears with "The top 100 songs in the Country". There really is something so sacred and under appreciated about the quiet. I start dreading these night shifts from the moment I see them on my calendar but there is a small part of me that looks forward to the silence. Even as I sit here to type this I find comfort in the breaks between my thoughts for the clicking of the keys are the only thing that fills these quiet halls. Next to me there is a nurse deep in a Nora Roberts novel and another working away on her ipad. Everyone is just coexisting in the overwhelming silence. During the day there would be these social expectations to engage these women in a friendly conversation... ask about that vacation last week... or complain about all these classes our manager is making us take. However, at night, for whatever reason, there are none of these social norms. We can all just sit here in a tiny room, in silence, and be completely ok with it. I like that. The quiet is refreshing. I feel like I can hear myself think clearly, without any white noise... which can be unsettling as well. All those thoughts and ideas that I push out of my head come to the surface on nights like these, knocking and demanding to be addressed. However there is something productive feeling about solving problems and creating plans when everyone you know is in REM sleep.... dreaming of irrelevance. Well I think my blood is out of caffeine because my eyes are starting to glaze over and my thoughts are becoming harder to pack into nice little neat sentences. So i am going to end it here and go read a book and listen to....nothing.

One of the best things in the whole world....

Is starting the morning off   S  L  O  W....

Just 5 minutes

Its crazy how much a 5 minute conversation with someone who cares can change your whole day around.  Today all the anxiety about so many different things hit me flat in the face at the same time and the worst part was there was no one around to talk it out with.  For whatever reason a shoe triggered something in me to call a good friend who I haven't talked to since I was last home. We didn't really talk about anything too intense but she made me laugh and just the sound of a familiar voice eased my nerves. Sometimes you just need to not be by yourself. Even if it is just for 5 minutes. :-)