I carry your heart. I carry it in my heart.

So i just watched in her shoes and I once again feel in love with this poem by ee cummings

I carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

oh those summer how i missed thee

I dont think I will ever outgrow summer. There is something about it that just gets me. I love it. I love everything about it. People are different in the summer... call me crazy but I am convinced that there is something in the summer air that makes people walk with a jump to their step. I feel like we define our lives with summers. Its almost as if all the stuff that happens during the summer gets us through the year. After the tans are gone and the beach houses close... we have all those crazy memories to help us make it through the winter months. The thing is, its not always about the events... the parties... the trips. Sometimes ... more often than not.... its the company you are with ( as cheesy as that sounds) ... or the conversations ... the all nighters.... the midnight walks. Makes you feel so content and carefree.

And dont even get me started about summer nights. I would trade 50 winter days for 1 summer night. When the sun goes down... and the fireflies come out... possibility lingers in the air. Nothing else matters except that moment in time. I love wasting hours just staring up at the
stars and lounging on my hammock. feeling so small. nothing else matters expect for that moment. I love it.

Summer time and the living is easy...

the semester in review

I know it has been quite some time since I have written... and there have been numerous people who have been on my case about it ( you know who you are.) But life has been crazy... a whirlwind... actually more like a really good roller coaster. You know the kind I am talking about.
The kind that is smack dab in the middle of an amusement park but you work your way around it, going on every other ride within a 100 yard radius before you summit yourself to it. As you sit down and pull the awkward thing down over your head, you are filled with anticipation. Then you slowly begin to roll to a start and up the first huge hill. At the top of the hill and you have a clear birds eye view of everything going on down below you.... BAM all of the sudden you find yourself racing down towards the ground but then before you know it you are flying up again and then you are twisting and turning and when you least expect it you are flipping upside down. Then all of the sudden you are done and its over and you have no idea what just happen and which way is up but all you do know is that you are laughing.

This has pretty much been my life this semester. Ups and downs and oh so many surprises. Its been crazy. Stressful at times... shocking at times... wonderful at times... hilarious at times... but hey that is life and if I have learned anything it would be that you just have to roll with the punches.

Leap of faith

As human beings we like security. Whether it is that bunny you slept with since you were five, that extra couple thousand of dollars stored away, a stable home, or that special someone. We like comfort. Things and people can comfort us but I think that it is our thoughts and emotions that give us the most comfort. The parts of us that no one else knows. They are ours. We get to choose what people know about us and how much. We can decide what parts of us stay tucked down deep inside, which emotions are never expelled and which thoughts are never reveled. Our thoughts and feelings are really the only part of this world that are 100% original. They are us and they can define us. This is why we are so careful with who gets to know them. Thats where vulnerability comes into play. The more we let the world know, the more vulnerable we become. The more of us that another person has. Its a balancing act. How close do you let someone get before you are completely vulnerable and exposed. We are always trying to find the perfect balance between what we share and what we keep to ourselves, tucked away and hidden. Opening up to people is not the safe option. No, the safest option would be to keep every emotion, feeling, thought, and dream deep inside and away from the world. You could just be on the surface to everyone and never let anyone get close enough to hurt you. Because isn't that it? We control how much we give people to hurt us with. The more we give to the world the more vulnerable we are and the more at risk we are putting ourselves. The more we put ourselves out there and the more we reveal, the lower the wall around us drops. So why do we do it then? Why do we find it so important to tell certain people certain things about our deepest thoughts? Why do we put ourselves in that situation? Why do we give other people the ability to take what we gave them and turn on us with it? Because just like we have a human instinct to need security, we also have an instinct to make connections. We need people. We are not meant to walk this earth alone. And how do you make a strong bond with another person? Give them something so personal and unique and allow them a peak inside your mind. Let them see your deepest fears and get to know your biggest dreams. Allow them to feel you strongest emotions and ponder your wildest thoughts. Yes, you are taking a risk of exposing your self to the world and maybe you are setting yourself up to get hurt. So how do you know? How do you know when its too much? How do you know?

Well, to be honest... I dont think we ever do. No one ever teaches us that I think thats part of life. All we can do is close our eyes, trust like crazy and take a leap of faith.

some food for thought

Hey loves! well I came across this blog and I based on our many conversations about marriage i felt like i had to share this with you.

My Predicament - Part 1

Tuesday, Dec 9th, 2008

As it seems most Christian girls are I was waiting on God to bring me my husband, my perfect man. (Of course he wouldn't be perfect, but just about perfect, at least for me.) A few prospective guys came in and out of my life through high school and college and as they came, I considered them and contemplated if this was the one that I was waiting for. It was usually the same story: I liked the guy, spent time analyzing whether or not he could be the one, had lots of phone conversations with him, and usually went on a few dates. At some point in the relationship (sometimes within a few weeks, sometimes within a few months) I would realize that he could not be the one I was waiting for and then ended the relationship. This cycle was dissatisfying, and disappointing.

Finally, in September of 2005, God revealed the error of my practice of waiting on Him to bring me my husband.

“I am waiting on God to bring me my husband.”

Is there anything wrong with this statement? It might not seem like it. It is good and right to wait on God’s timing concerning marriage and dating instead of trying to do things in our own way. But if that is the ONLY THING that we are waiting on, we have an incorrect perspective.

Picture this: You are at a restaurant and have just ordered a pizza. A friend walks in and sits down with you and asks, “What are you doing?” And you respond with, “I am waiting on the waiter to bring me my pizza.” (Does this sentence structure sound familiar?) In this example, you do not have much regard for the waiter. The waiter is only the vehicle by which you get what you are truly there for: your pizza. You are not expecting the waiter to come and sit down and talk with you, but to simply deliver the pizza.

“I am waiting on God to bring me my husband.”

What are you more excited about: Jesus or your future husband? God was never designed to simply be the means for us to receive things. He was never intended to be our waiter, but to BE OUR EVERYTHING! I had replaced the passionate pursuit of knowing Him with the pursuit of an allegedly more passionate relationship on earth. I had put another “god” before the Lord; I had created an idol.

In Hosea 2:16, God speaks to His people saying, “And it shall be, in that day, says the Lord, "That you will call Me 'My Husband,' And no longer call Me 'My Master.'” One of the most common reasons that we, as Christian women, long for marriage and relationships more than God is because we don’t know how to fall in love with God. We have been taught how to obey and please God (how to call Him ’Master’), but we do not know how to grow in our love for Him and fall deeper in love with the character of our Creator (how to call Him ’Husband’).

Consider this analogy:
David and Jessica have been dating for a few months now and most of their friends comment about how cute a couple they are. They are frequently seen at the local coffee shop or out to eat together on a Friday night. Their favorite spot to frequent is the beach near by at sunset. Here they spend their time walking along the shore, holding hands, and enjoying the sunset in silence. The problem is that Jessica spends this time on the beach thinking about John, a guy in one of her classes. She reminisces about what he said to her that day, the way he looked, and how sweet he was to stay late and help his friend with homework. She’s already thinking about what she’s going to wear tomorrow so that she can look extra special when she sees him. This is not fair to David at all; it is emotional infidelity and emotional lust. It may look like she loves David because she does all the right things to appear in love with him, but her heart is set on someone else. This is exactly what many of us have done in our relationship with God! We know how to appear passionate about God: we talk about Him to others, we read His Word, we attend Bible studies and keep trying harder to learn more about Him, but our hearts are set on something else.

We were created to be in a passionate, consuming, and loving relationship; this is why our hearts long for it. So when we do not experience this fulfilling relationship in God, we naturally look for it in other things: usually in a relationship here on earth. This is a terrible situation, because our GREATEST commandment is to “love the Lord you God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul, and all your strength” (Mark 12:29-30)! Not simply to put God first in your daily activities, but LOVE HIM PASSIONATELY! What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? To love someone with all your mental capacity? To love someone with your whole being? With all the strength that you have within you? That is a passionate love! Unfortunately, I have found that the majority of girls I talk to have never experienced this kind of love for God. They know how to please God, how to do the things that He wants them to do, how to look like they are passionate about Him, but their hearts are set on something they perceive to be more passionate. We need to repent and surrender this idol we have made.

spilt second

ya know what i think is cool? When you are walking down the street and you pass a person and for that split second your eyes meet. Maybe a smile is shared or a nod or maybe nothing at all. You most likely will never see that person again. But for that second, that moment in time, your lives collided. Your paths crossed. That person may be having the best day of their life, or the worst. They may be walking away from a bad relationship or walking towards a new opportunity. You dont know anything about them but on that day at that time in that place you both existed together. Is this moment significant? Is this person meaningful to you? Is it a coincidence that you both passed by each other and held each other's gaze. Or a complete act of fate? who knows. I dont know. I just think its cool to think about how connected we really are to each other. Its fascinates me.

let it snow

AHH soo i just had the best walk home in the snow. so peaceful. Its crazy how in our world snow is the one thing that gets everyone to stop moving. Everyone goes inside and stays in one place and puts life on hold for a little bit. I love it. Snow is that little reminder from God that we need to slow down.... life goes too quick. We need to cherish it as we have it. Let go of all the hate and grudges, and just take a deep breath of crisp cold air and just be.